(no subject)

Had one of my weirder nights last night at the lounge. Twitchy energy build up nights. I kissed Oracle and Teena. It was like I was filtering several different me's. I hate when that happens.

I hate not having any control. I want control. I want to be normal. Don't want to be the friggen physical embodiment of Chaos any more. I don't even want to be the Fey Court Champion.

Just want to be a normal human wizard. Not even an elemental wizard. Just a fire wizard, like I was supposed to be. Like I was trained to be. Like everyone thought I was supposed to be. Until Lorac butted his big fat head in.

Gods I hate my life.

I wish I could die.

I'm just so tired of living. Of existing. Of feeling everything that goes on. Of knowing everything. It's so hard to filter everything. I just... want it to stop.

I want to let go. All the restraints and everything I've put on myself. Not being a Stu anymore. The power tripping. I miss that.

The darkness. The lack of caring.

I'm sick of caring.

I just... I don't know... Want to give up.