I feel like I should wangst

[element_wizard]

So the kids.

We stopped the people who were taking them.

But we were too late in a sense. They had raised their god.

Except it wasn't a god.

It was Lorac.

Lorac... of all the people. They thought he was a god! He tricked the head priest into doing this for him. So that he'd get resurected after I killed him. All those kids... dead because of him.

Because of him so he could get to me.

Corry says it's not my fault. Verra says it's not my fault. It's that he's crazy. But I keep on thinking that he wouldn't be crazy if it weren't for me.

Damnit! I'm not going to get upset. I'm not going to. I'm not. I'm not going to let this get to me.

It wasn't my fault. It wasn't, it wasn't, it wasn't.

Comments

[agent-talia.livejournal.com]

Don't wangst, Alec. It's one thing to have issues, it's another to start acting like a Mary Sue over them.

I understand how you feel here. Although I'm not proud of it, I've been through situations where I felt guilty about existing, among other things. But that's neither here nor there...

The problem isn't so much Lorac being crazy as it is that you blame yourself for the kids. If it weren't for you, you think, Lorac wouldn't be crazy, and those children wouldn't be dead.

Maybe Lorac wouldn't be crazy if it weren't for you. Maybe he would. Even if things would have been different if you didn't exist, you can't go around blaming yourself for existing. It's just stupid.

You know whose fault it is? Lorac's.

Moping around and feeling guilty about it won't do you or anyone else any good, anyway. You should focus on what you can do.

[elementwizard.livejournal.com]

I'm trying not to wangst... I also just noticed that I spelt ramblings wrong on the comment button thingy I am trying to. It's like trying not to fall back onto default mode though.

I know it's Lorac's fault. I know that... I just... guuh. I want to sit and woe is me and I'm trying not to so hard. It's a very hard and physical effort not to.

I want to do something, but I don't know what to do or how to go about finding how to do it.

[agent-talia.livejournal.com]

I know it's hard. Been there, done that... Though luckily I've never had as much of an inclination to wangst as you do.

I don't think I can help you with that, unfortunately. I don't know what you can do because I'm not there, and it's hard for me to say what would make you feel better. Distraction would probably be good, whatever the case. It's a little easier to deal with things once you've had some time to calm down.

[nybard.livejournal.com]

He winces. "Ouch. That's always the hardest thing to convince yourself of. That it wasn't your fault. I know I never can."

[sthenyaer.livejournal.com]

Is Lorac a god now or is he just alive again?

[elementwizard.livejournal.com]

I... I have no idea. He is the only person that I know of that can manipulate both life and element magic. Not even I can do that (which is saying something) so that kinda makes him... I guess... a demi-god? I don't know.

[elementwizard.livejournal.com]

I know. It doesn't help that he came back for me. And that everything he does is for me. He loves me in some sort of really sick and twisted way. Really, really, really sick and twisted way.

Did you talk to your shrink?

[nybard.livejournal.com]

He nods. "She says if you want to bring the kid, she can squeeze you in after my next appointment."

[elementwizard.livejournal.com]

That'd be great. It's a big relief off my mind.

[nybard.livejournal.com]

"You're welcome."

[elementwizard.livejournal.com]

I guess. I am trying to stop wangsting. It's like bitting finger nails though, very difficult to stop. Stupid Stu-ness.

Distraction eh?

[elementwizard.livejournal.com]

So when is the appointment? I'd hate to miss it.

[nybard.livejournal.com]

"Oh, in a couple of days. I had to... get it moved forward."

[elementwizard.livejournal.com]

*head tilt curious* Everything okay on your end of things?

[nybard.livejournal.com]

He coughs slightly. "Um. Fine."

[elementwizard.livejournal.com]

*Look. That Look that parents give their kids, when they know that the kid is hidding something.* My son tries that on me too. I don't believe him either.

[nybard.livejournal.com]

He shrugs. "I just said something stupid, and I need to talk it out with her."

[elementwizard.livejournal.com]

He studies him for a moment, "Alright. I can accept that."

[nybard.livejournal.com]

"Good."

[elementwizard.livejournal.com]

I do hope everything works out.

[nybard.livejournal.com]

He smiles wryly. "I'm sure it will. Magnus says I'm overreacting."

[elementwizard.livejournal.com]

Your brother is... a very special child.

[nybard.livejournal.com]

He laughs. "Do I want to know what you meant by that?"

[elementwizard.livejournal.com]

We met and talked and he doesn't seem to understand that you don't need to believe to understand, or understand to believe.

[nybard.livejournal.com]

He nods. "He's... confused. And very young."