some news, good and bad.

[element_wizard]

First off. I caught the sue. She's quite dead. I turned her into a statue and shattered her. Appropriate I suppose.

Second off. I got called into SO's office. I'm now on probation. Apparently I've been acting too Sueish than is good for me. My powers while at HQ have been completely restricted. As in absolutely none. Zip. Zilch. Zero. Nada. Not even a spark. Thankfully they haven't been taken away. Just restricted. I can still feel them... just not use them. It's like looking through the aquairum glass.

Third off. I've been handling the situation with Archer and Teena all wrong. And, as it was brought to light to me last night, in a pretty scummy, selfish, childish manner. I have been scum. Jono scum. And I don't know why I've been doing it.

I don't know why Archer and Teena bothers me so much. I don't know why Archer bothers me so much.



Some thougths, please don't take them as true or false. These are just impressions, emotional raw hot off the press non-filtered impressions. I'm trying to brainstorm this out. Trying to figure this out.

The business with the Companions. Teena and I both ended up for a short while with Companions. Both of the Companions saw that we needed the protection and the stability that they could provide. Others thought of them as bad for us. Teena's Companion released her into Archer's care. Archer was ... is... supposed to care for her mentally like the Companion should. I guess. They bonded anyway. I just got released. Cut off. Dropped into the deep end.

Teena got Archer.

I've got Lorac.

I'm not saying that everything between Teena and I should be fair and sqaure. This is just... well. I don't know. A thought. Like no one cared enough to see if I was mentally stable. And then when I tried to, in my own odd little way, make it stable I got yelled at.

Teena didn't expect to fall in love. She said to me that she didn't do that anymore. It hurt too much. She only had friends with benifits. I was a friend with benifits. And then Archer came a long and she dropped me. We never even "broke up". It was like she was saying "I have Archer now, I don't need you anymore. Infact I'm going to get rid of that part of me that was even involved with you because I don't need it anymmore either now that I have Archer in my life." Teena mentioned closure, but I guess I never got any when she fell in love with Archer.

Irvine said I used to like Archer. It's true. But then he started I guess... ruining my relationship with Teena. I got dumped by her for him. And I'm supposed to like him. I'm supposed to be okay with this because she's happy and stabler than she's ever been before. And I want her to be happy.

But you know, I;m wonderinjg about my own emotions too. Getting dumped isn't the best feeling in the world. And no one's paying any attention to that. They just call me a jerk for not being happy for her. Maybe I am, for not being happy for her. But no one really ever asked me how I felt about it. I was just suppsoed to accept it right off. Does that make me a scummy jerk? I don't know. Apparently it does.

Teena said last night that I was using her Author. Maybe I have been. But some times it feels like she's been using me too. And I feel like I've been dumped for the newer model. She says that she's gonna be with Archer for ever. But I wonder you know about that. What happens when the next good thing comes in. Will she drop Archer too?

This is how I'm feeling. I'm sorry. But how am I supposed to feel when my "boyfriend" dumps me and then expects me to be happy for him? Let me know. I'll try and act like that.



I think I'm going to go and cry now.

EDIT: I just realized something. That entire bit up there was all about me. Rather selfish of me... just rambling on about how I was feeling without thinking about others.

...our friendship has been quivering on the edge of a knife. I have said alot things, to you, to Archer, to Irvine, your agent and to Kippur. Some of them have been contradictory. It may have seemed like I have been lying. I wasn't. Everything I said was true at the moment. I guess the problem was it was unfiltered. I didn't think before I speak. It's not something I'm good at. I have been trying though. I hope I'm getting better at it. I have messed up. I see that. I shouldn't have written what I did. At least not for the world to see. I don't want to use you and leave you by the side like some broken toy. I'm going to try and be better. I will be better. I don't want to lose you as a friend, if only becuase I've never had one before. I've never had one before and I don't know what to do with them. I'm still learning.

... I should be asking you for forgiveness. I've been horribly abusive to you, and you've done nothing of the same back to me. You've tried to be understanding when I've yelled at you. Cursed at you. Spoken ill of you. You've been a better man than I have been, even though neither of us count exactly as men, through all of this. I don't know if we could ever be friends. You may be willing to give a shot... I don't know... but I don't know if I could. I don't know why I said those things to you. Mostly I suppose, because I was angry and I was hurt. They may have been true, they may have been things I wish were true. They may have been things I wanted to believe myself of you. I don't know. I should ask for your forgivness... but I don't know if I think I desereve it. Maybe it would be better if I never got it.

Comments

[http://users.livejournal.com/agent_black_/]

First off, I didn't have anything to do with the SO talking to you. In case you were wondering.

You know, I don't know about your being stable after that thing with the Companions. But you remember what happened after Corry? Do you even remember who that was?... Anyway, you were depressed. What I said to you then...I said that if you needed to talk, I'm here.

*shrugs* You can always talk to me. If you want people to do something, you've got to let them know that you're not okay, and you've got to let them help you.

In any case, I see your problem now. Teena/Kit was never your boyfriend. You apparently thought of it like that, but she didn't. That's the way youko are, Alec. Sex is just something that's fun...You know that. You allowed yourself to think of Teena as your 'boyfriend'. I can see how it would be an easy mistake for you to make, the human part of me, but the youko part can see how silly it was.

In order for her to break up with you, there would have had to have been a relationship...The only thing that's changed is that she doesn't want to sleep with you anymore. She still cares about you the same way as she used to. Or she did...I'm pretty sure she still does, even though you've been so idiotic.

That was harsh, really harsh, what koishii said about you being like Jono. But it's also true. You said it yourself. But the fact that you're doing this now shows that you don't want to be like that. That's good.

Maybe it was Teena's fault for not making sure it was clear that you were just a friend, and not a boyfriend. Maybe it's your fault because you should have known better. I don't really know.

But I don't want to hear you whine about us not caring that you were 'dumped'. Because you weren't, and we had no idea that you felt like you were. Not even Teena, I bet, because you never said anything.

One other thing, which I don't expect you to answer, exactly how does Verra feel about all of this?

And just so you know, I don't like making you upset. I'm not happy that you're suffering over all of this, and I don't think anybody else is either.

[elementwizard.livejournal.com]

I never once thought that you had something to do with the SO's descision. It's not something you would do. No, this was something that was a long time coming. Finding out what I tried to do with Archer and Teena was the snowflake that started the avalanche.

As for Corry, I haven't forgotten about him. I think about him all the time. I just don't think I'm good for him. Too much... trouble I am.

As for the other stuff. Maybe I should have said something. You're right. Maybe I was silly for thinking that it was more than just sex. Maybe it was me projecting something there that wasn't. I don't know.

[http://users.livejournal.com/agent_black_/]

Well...the youko says that you were being silly.

The human says that it's not hard to see why it happened. It's a human sort of thing to do. While you're not human, exactly, your emotions are like that...