element_wizard: (knuckle forehead)
Alec Troven ([personal profile] element_wizard) wrote2016-06-24 12:50 pm
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I've been thinking.

Yes, I know. Never a good thing.

But, I've been thinking about me and the scruffy-rat-bastard.

What if... what if I don't want to become him? Do I have a choice in the matter? I don't know what happened to me to become him. I mean, I know that my world being destroyed was a breaking point but what else was happening? What else had happened in my life to break me like that?

Then there's the fact that we've - at least as far as I know - really split our timelines when I joined the pack and fell for Vahl. I know for sure, as sure as the sun rises, that he and Vahl were never anything. Ever. Vahl's barely tolerated, and only because of Phoenix.

Like an ugly vase that you'd love to toss but your partner has serious sentimental attachments to it and there's no way you could "accidentally" break it without them knowing it was you doing it on purpose. (Sorry Vahl, if you read this.)

Maybe being with Vahl will prevent me from breaking like that. Then what? What about Phoenix? We've talked about how me getting my head on straight helps my Phoenix get his head on straight. But what if I need to crack? He's more powerful than I am. More willing to do things. Because he cracked. Because he doesn't care any more.

If I don't do that... then I might not be able to do something the things I did to help Phoenix.

Ugh. I'm pulling myself in circles.

I think I've been standing still too long and letting myself think alone in my head. Boring myself. I need to go do something.

Dunno what though.

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